All I Want for Christmas is… Less Me.

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December 18, 2023 by hallyrh

There are many things that I want.

I want to spoil myself rotten with lovely Japanese stationery items from The Journal Shop. (They are freakin’ expensive, let me tell you.)

I want to go on an online shopping spree in Temu and buy all sorts of journaling supplies and stickers and desk items.

I want to subscribe to ZenPop (also equally freakin’ expensive) and receive even more Japanese stationery each month.

I want to travel to Paris, to Amsterdam, to Spain. I want to go home to the Philippines for a month, too.

I want to have enough money to pay for my NCLEX and my application to the U.S..

I want all that, AND have enough money left to finance myself in the U.S. should God give me the golden ticket.

ALL while I’m moving to a new job next year that pays me LESS than what I’m getting now!

Oh, and yup, I also want to be pleasing to the Lord and make sure He approves of everything I do. (Notice how low this is on my priority list.)

I have been so preoccupied all morning about how I’ll be able to buy all my friends satisfactory presents while also planning to buy what seems like a TRUCKLOAD of freakin’ expensive Japanese stationery as a self-Christmas present, convinced that I somehow deserve it cause I will probably not get any Christmas presents from friends due to the distance, plus I’ll be all alone on Christmas and far from home. So, um, what do you mean, “deny myself”? What is this unheard-of concept? Ecclesiastes also says I have the right to enjoy the fruits of my labor! Never mind that I STILL want an excessive number of stationery from different shopping sources even though my desk is already groaning under the weight of tons of stamps and stickers and pens and ink. 

I am also clinging to the delusion that I will somehow manage to go on a European travel spree next year AND also pay for return tickets to the Philippines on a salary in a new work role that pays £700 less than my current one. Somehow. (Manic laughter)

Even as I am typing it now, I feel utterly ridiculous. Petty. Foolish.

I can’t believe I spent 12 silly hours squirming on my seat, calculating, tweaking this and that so it can all fit my personal materialistic agendas.

I wanted the Bible to be the first thing I reach for when I wake up, but instead I reached for my phone and started loading my online cart!

Seems like the so-called “Joy of Christmas” will depend on how much packaging I can tear open from Temu, Amazon and The Journal Shop.

Yes, as I said earlier, Ecclesiastes says God also wants me to enjoy the fruits of my labor – but this is crazy. I literally already have so much paper and stickers and stationery on and in my desk that I had to buy an extra set of drawers so I can accommodate the bulk. If my building catches fire, my apartment will burn to a crisp because of the sheer amount of kindling.

And yet I seek more! And all of the worldly stuff that I yearn for – to what lengths am I willing to go just to achieve them? Maybe work myself sick? Book triple extra shifts? Reshuffle priorities?

Is any of this for the Lord, if at all?

So of course, after attending CCF’s online service, I literally cried because it dawned on me how ridiculous I was being. I felt remorse, and a hurt in my heart for missing the entire point of my being a Christian this Christmas season.

It’s not like I’m lacking in anything. The Lord’s grace has covered me everyday that I already have all I can possibly ever want. But why do I keep wanting more?

In the chaos of my online shopping, it didn’t even slip my mind to use my admittedly larger earnings this month to be of any help to people. I wanted to use the extra money to satisfy only my wants, even though I already have everything I need. And all these things I think I “have”? They’re not even mine, they all belong to the Lord! I’m only safe-keeping.

Why am I so gravely losing to materialism?

What about giving? What about love? What about self-denial and self-discipline? 

Well. I am with God now, and I will overcome this.

And so, I deleted Temu. I deleted my foolish orders from Amazon. I logged out of The Journal Shop, and I cried in prayer because… well, I felt stupid.

I’m once again living in excess. 2022 showed me that the only change the YOLO mantra did in my life was get me into deep financial trouble, yet here I am about to stumble over the same roadblock again.

It’s time to make a genuine change in the way I handle my earnings. I’ve always asked the Lord to teach me self-discipline – and, well, tonight, I think I got schooled by my Lord and Savior.

I cried to the Lord in prayer and said, “Lord. I am miles apart from friends. I am miles apart from family and loved ones. I’m living alone in cold and gray England, and I don’t even know if there’s any point to celebrate, even cook a meal for myself on Christmas as I’ll be the only one eating anyway. I can’t buy what I want and I don’t think I can travel around Europe in 2024 cause I know I will have a lot of potential expenses. I’m moving to a job that pays a lot less, and I also have plans to go to the U.S.

But I want You to know Lord, that I would rather be alone than be with a ton of people and remain unknowing of who You really are. I am grateful that You brought me to England so we can provide for my family. I would also rather work in a job that pays less if it means I can serve You with more joy in my heart. Yes, I will cook for myself and eat and celebrate because Christmas is the fulfillment of God’s promise and I will rejoice. I can’t buy what I want and I probably won’t have enough finances to travel. I’ll live with it. I know I need to save money so I can be of help to people when they need it – and I’m not going to say it’s easy, Lord. It’s tough to constantly think of other people first, but I will do it because You have blessed me so much more than I will ever deserve. I will enjoy my earnings responsibly, and pay for all my dues in Your name. And finally, I lift to You my family and friends and loved ones and my exams and my plans to go to the U.S., all of my wants and needs, big and small, because I can’t possibly think and take care of all of it by myself. I am simply incapable.

Let there be less of me and more of You, and I cannot wait to see how You will bless my life. In Jesus’ name I pray.

Amen.“